Back when my ex (and his wife) and I didn't get along, it used to be so easy to point to their actions and blame them for being so hurt, upset or angry.

I'd provide all the gory details so my sympathetic listener could see how anyone in their right mind would be equally offended.

But privately, I suspected there was something else at play, in the background.

What might happen if you held the other woman or parent to the same standards you normally apply to yourself — and those you love?

If you're a divorced mom who’s become a stepmother, then you totally get the role.

But jumping into the Mom role with someone you didn't make children with—and kids you didn't make—is a different animal altogether.

Consider…

Your grudges don’t actually improve the outcome of future problems.

You’re inadvertently “leaking” your resentment onto innocent bystanders.

It’s possible to forgive... and still create healthy boundaries that protect you from future pain and unhappiness.

You know you’re burned out when you’re snarling about things that typically wouldn’t bother you—the kitchen cabinet left ajar, the lone sock in the hallway, the stepchild innocently asking you what’s for dinner. You feel more sensitive than usual and get upset at the drop of a hat.

There are probably many more things going right in your life than there are going wrong.

You've just stopped seeing that.

Why do stepmoms often feel like such outsiders? Because they are. Non-stepmoms won’t understand this concept. But if you’re a stepmom you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve never felt so ignored and out of place in your life. Welcome to the Stepfamily.

Because the family of origin doesn’t include the stepparent, kids don’t have the instinct to say their name first or go to them for answers or comfort, or, in some cases, even say hello when they call.

There seems to be a belief that because you’re not the biological parent, you can’t possibly be suffering as much as they are, therefore you should just keep your chin up and mouth shut. I believe in most cases this isn’t an intentional diss by others.

The advice, or rather, instruction, that you should love a child as your own is bad enough, but the addition of “unconditional” is just preposterous.  If most stepparents were actually capable of unconditionally loving a child who isn’t theirs, don’t you think they would? Life would be SO much easier with unconditional love!

So there we were, judging the hell out of each other, blowing things out of proportion, taking lots of things personally, making ourselves and everyone else miserable... and the entire time, we’re all still feeling victimized.

Like something was being done TO us!