Stepmoms, Stuck on the Outside
Have you ever answered the phone and your stepchild says “Is my dad there?” instead of “Hi (insert your name here), how are you? Is my dad there?” Or maybe every single time the child asks a question or tells a story he only directs it to dad, as if you’re invisible. My personal favorite is when my husband and I were on the sofa and from the kitchen my stepson hollers “Dad! Want anything?”
Chances are, as a stepmom you experience this on a pretty regular basis, especially if your stepkids were older when you met them. If you don’t understand the why behind it it be can pretty painful. After all, who the hell ignores someone sitting RIGHT THERE?!
Why do I feel like such an outsider?
Patricia Papernow, PhD says that in nuclear families it’s normal for the kids to alternate who they prefer to go to for answers and comfort – sometimes mom, sometimes dad. The parent who the child prefers at that time is called the “Insider.” But in stepfamilies, it’s always the parent (at least initially) and not the stepparent, so she refers to this dynamic as the Stuck Insider (parent)/Stuck Outsider (stepparent).
Because the family of origin doesn’t include you, kids don’t have the instinct to say your name first or go to you for answers or comfort, or, in some cases, even say hello when they call. And being a stepchild, I can vouch for this. I did it all of the time, without ever noticing, until I became a stepmom and realized, “Oh crap! I never addressed my stepmom, even though I loved her!”
It’s important you understand that it’s not about being malicious or purposefully rude to you. And it’s not about anything you’ve done (unless you really did so something awful), it’s more about instincts and the nature and dynamic of the stepfamily.
I’m not making excuses for bad behavior, and in fact I wouldn’t even call this bad behavior. A child can address only their dad and not be disrespectful to you. I’m not referring to eye-rolling or ignoring you when you speak to them or blatant disrespect. Those things need to be addressed in a conversation about manners, but not directing questions to you or not instinctively coming to you first is not something that needs to be addressed directly with the child.
What can I do?
Tell your partner to leave… for a few minutes: You might have seen the research that on average it takes 4-7 years for a stepfamily to feel and function like a family. That can be a LONG time to feel ignored. What you can do is create opportunities for you to be the Insider.
One of the best ways to do this is to get some alone time with your stepchild. Because as long as their parent is around and available, you’re stuck on the outside. But as soon as they leave, guess who moves up in rank?! You move to the inside, at least until dad comes back.These moments don’t have to be long, even a few minutes of connection will serve to increase your bond as time goes on. These moments should be fun, shoulder to shoulder activities where there’s very little pressure to interact directly, but you do interact somewhat.
Having a conversation about how school is going might be fine, but what would be better is to do something together that you both enjoy. For example, baking. Since you’re actually doing something, there’s not the pressure of sitting across from each other, making eye contact and being forced to come up with things to talk about. Instead you’re focused on the task at hand. The interactions are about the baking. If small talk naturally creeps in, great.
Don’t lose your identity: One of the fastest ways to lose your self-esteem and feel like crap is to give up everything you enjoy. Stepmoms often change their entire routine for their new family, thinking that it will somehow serve them. But that often backfires. Your new family cannot replace your oldest friends and the activities that nourish your spirit. So keeping doing the things that make you YOU.
Don’t lose hope
One of the biggest mistakes stepmoms make is thinking that how things are now is how they’ll always be. Because your family will take years to integrate, and because kids grow up and people and circumstances change, you can’t know what your future holds. I know plenty of stepmoms, myself included, who have arrived at the place where the kids finally call out our names first or come to us for support or questions.
And take comfort in that the little everyday interactions you have with your stepchild will likely serve to grow you closer as a family. But it takes years, so relax, take a breath and enjoy the ride.